Friday, March 7, 2014

The Only One Who Knows.

"Do one thing, tomorrow at night, get yourself a beer, maybe two. Get onto the terrace. Sit all by yourself and give me a call. We'll talk about life. And don't worry, whatever happens, happens for the best. Trust me. And keep in mind that I love you."

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Tiny Floating Islands.

Have you ever thought of us like tiny, floating islands?
Those that get tossed around in the violent sea.
Unable each time to end that distance by touching our coasts..
I want you to know that even in the darkest recesses of my land,
I find solace in the echo of the waves that touch your sun kissed shores.

Have you ever thought of us like tiny, floating islands?
Unable to find fjords that join us together symmetrically,
Know that even in the roughest of seas,
I find ways, to carve myself, to fit your ideal.

Have you ever thought of us like tiny, floating islands?
Unable to see beyond our unique horizons
Know that I'm standing on the edge, waist deep in the high tide
Staring hard, hoping to catch a glimpse of you pushing your ship out to sea.

And if you sail towards me,
Know that I will drift towards you
And maybe we'll meet, with the stars at our head and the roaring waves at our feet
Or maybe we'll be carried away by different crests,
But for that brief moment in time, it would all have been worth it.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Remembrance(2)

Leave all these scars on my soul
And all these sentences on my lips
Your knotted hair on my fingertips
Leave them all here for me
But please... take away this remorse.

Leave the haunting sound of your laughter
That for years has been ringing in my empty head,
hitting every wall of my heart,
often tearing it all apart.
But please... rid me of this remorse.

Leave my eyes with your reflections
My hands with remnants of the lines on your palms
My voice that says your name the best
But, take from me this remorse .

Take these years of being everywhere but with you
With everyone, but you
And still being absent from it all.

Leave all of you that remains within me
I will carry that burden-- for I must.
Leave me nothing but your memories
But, please rid me of this remorse.

_____________________________

Four years since I last saw the most beautiful person I've ever met.

Rest in Peace S.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Game Over.

Another Crucible done. Another night spent sitting on the terrace, staring at the stars, and alternatively, the city lights in the distance, without really noticing either of them. As a rather eloquent person put it beautifully the other day - our private faces know no restraint. Our public faces, no liberties. Four years now. Still only three final appearances. Still only one podium finish. Somehow this time, it hurts the most. 

A friend of mine,(in a desperate attempt to console) told me that we should have won  because we are nice people. But that does not - should not matter. Brilliant quizzers win Crucible, regardless of whether they are nice people or not. Barely a day ago, a few people I've quizzed against over the last two years(all brilliant quizzers, incidentally and inconsequentially, all nice people) fought it out in a final that I could not bear to watch. At the exact moment that DP and SP would have answered that question, that they would now remember forever, I was sitting in a bar across the street, trying not to care, grappling half-heartedly with demons, that in hindsight are deserved.

In the aftermath, I've tried to pretend that it is all good. Like these things happen. (A part of me knows that they do.) But the torment has remained persistent. The anger, the disappointment have continued to gnaw away. And for all my attempts at trying to remain 'normal', it is not surprising that even my mother who  is close to a thousand miles away has seen through it all. Thus, when she called me at a time  when I was bawling my eyes out a day after the loss, I did not even attempt the whole 'it is only a blocked nose' routine.

The chase remains futile. The little prizes, as ever, elusive. If the words in this post are judges, there has been an absolute failure of justice.

Game over.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

...

Days like this have come before, haven't they?
Days when we saw storms that seemed like they would never stop.

Days when the sun emitted a strange kind of light,
Well, that is if the sun shone at all.